The Way I 'C' It

There was a time when I thought I wanted four kids. Seriously. I don't think it was ever because I wanted so much to be a mom, funny as that my sound. I think it was more the idea of lots of joyous noise and happy bodies running around during a family get-together; I think that was something I liked picturing in my head. I'm no doubt a huge people-person so perhaps there was something to creating my own brood of people and enjoying them and their eventual broods of people.

Cut to three years after we got married. Me: "Can we wait 3 more years?"
Cut to three years after that. J: "So....are we ever going to have kids?"

I'm not sure how four dwindled down to one (maybe two). I never stopped wanting a family beyond the two of us. I don't know exactly what happened along the way, but I do believe it was due in large part to this great fear of pain that I've had all my life. A fear that grew, slowly but surely, until I had to run from it.

I've always been a big chicken. I was a frail and skinny kid that grew up in the city, rarely exposed to activities that produced many scrapes and bruises. I didn't play outside, I didn't ride bikes, I didn't climb on jungle gyms. I was scared to get hurt, so I didn't do things that could produce those results. Heck, I didn't even like sand. Which to me, meant that I not only did I fear pain, I also avoided any situation that made me feel uncomfortable in any way.

I was also never taught about my body; about how all the girly parts work. Not by mom, not by any female relative, not by any class in school (I think I moved so many times, I must've skipped it along the way). I somehow figured out how babies are mad;, but "sperm+egg+9 months" is about all I put together for a long time. I didn't even know how a menstrual cycle related to getting pregnant til way later. So as I matured, I came to view all things relating to my female-ness as gross and icky. I had a mental discomfort with the whole thing. I didn't have my first GYN exam til right before I got married at age 24. I didn't wear tampons til after I had been married a few years. You get the point.

So combine the two - fear of pain and discomfort with all things gynecological - and you begin to see how the entire process of pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum were seemingly insurmountable fears. The fear was so big in my mind, that the thought of a child that we created who would enrich our lives forever, was not powerful enough to help me see past the pain. Every time I tried to think about the end result, I would always go back to being stuck on, "to get there, I have to go through THIS. And THIS, I cannot do." More often than not, after trying to think though it, I would end up curled up in bed, wincing and crying and almost feeling the pain that I feared so much. I kept waiting to see if the "motherly instinct" "would kick in; that thing that naturally allows women to want that child enough to willingly concede to the unpleasant (putting it mildly) process that is pregnancy. But nothing. Finally we just had to make a conscious decision that if we wanted a family, I'd have to do this.

I dealt with the fear during the first two trimesters by simply ignoring what I'd eventually have to face. I figured it'd still be there when I got to the end. But it started to creep up once we heard she was weighing in a little on the heavy side. I fretted and cried and squirmed over what to do for a while. Yes, I know there's epidurals to take the pain of delivery away, but the part that scares me the most is the recovery. I had heard too many stories of "bad deliveries" which resulted in slow healing and I just could NOT deal with the thought of vaginal pain and discomfort. Even typing this now is making me SO uncomfortable.

So after much fretting, crying, and emotional ups and downs, I finally allowed myself to take the elective C-section route. It seemed that being able to eliminate the vaginal factor all together was best way to get me through the whole process. Yes, perhaps it could all be fine and I could have the fastest, smoothest delivery ever. But I just could not get past the 'what ifs' and 'what could go wrongs'. And in the end, I need to make it through this to bring her into this world.

So here I am, about 10 hours away from delivering my firstborn. I don't doubt that in the end, the joy of holding my new daughter in my arms will errode the fears I have, even at this moment, about bringing her into the world. But this is me. This is how I am. And perhaps it will just make her all the more special to me once she is here.

See you tomorrow, my little bHunt.

Love, Mom.


Mon, Mar 22nd


Tues, Mar 23rd


Wed, Mar 24th, less than 10 hours before delivery